blackcatcabinchronicles


Good Grief: taking an emotional pause
October 6, 2011, 10:41 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I know this blog is supposed to be about the transition from living in an urban environment to a country setting and thus far it mostly has been.  But now I take a break to get philosophical….  Remember, I said that “My Honey” dumped me ten days post move? Well let me say that it was a devastating event which has greatly affected my ability to cope in my new space/town/career and to help my daughter with her roller coaster “everything is new” emotions.  I am grieving the loss.  And to me, despite the stupidity of the relationship (he was married, though separated but still living in the same house with his wife) in the first place, is quite painful to part with this man and the idea that I had found my soul-mate.

For a while there I was so stressed that I was hardly myself or indeed resembling anything human- much more zombie-like sans the flesh eating aspect.  In fact, eating anything was barely an option.  The thought of food made me ill – this is a first in my life, by the way- and when I did get hungry enough to eat my body would take only a small portion of food, just enough to keep my body functioning, which I had to practically force myself to eat.  I lost six pounds in about two weeks- a lot considering I weighed in at 124 lbs to begin with.

Grief does not happen all at once but comes in waves.  The initial hit is shocking and therefore far from the worst.  It is only after the mind is able to comprehend the situation that real pain can come.  And the waves hit at completely unexpected intervals.  You can be loading the dishwasher, for instance, and all of a sudden Grief, all grey mist and hollowness, will sneak up behind you and tap you on the shoulder and the next thing you know your heart aches and your stomach squinches up and tears begin to fall as if someone just sucker punched you hard in the guts.

This break-up was certainly a good thing in the long run and I have grown to be grateful for it.  Hindsight allows me to see how blinded I was by the high level of compatibility we shared and the amazing sex  (the best, YET).  Compatible or not, fabulous sex or not, this guy lacked the fundamental traits necessary to be the right man for me (read: he lied to both his wife and me and did not have what it takes to work it out with her in the first place). I require, desire and deserve someone who is honest, in touch with his feelings and can express them in a mindful, healthy way and is willing to do the work necessary to have a healthy, functioning, loving, long-term relationship.  I keep telling myself that and I really do feel much better.  My appetite has returned and the pounds are creeping back on a little faster than I would like.  I feel more like myself than I have since I started seeing this guy – centered, happy and directed.  And I am back in a place of strength that I can share with my daughter in the way of being a good, stable parent.

But every now and then….BOOM! Grief comes back to taunt me.

Well, One of the benefits of having lived some life is the knowledge that I will continue to heal and the big G will visit less frequently as time passes and eventually disappear altogether when he sees that I no longer accept his company.

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